A few weeks ago I wrote about my (at the time) bold move to donate a large pile of clothing that no longer fit for various reasons. I felt empowered after deciding to rid my closet of my body shaming demons; holding on to pants no longer working for my body encouraged negative thinking. In many ways my boldness worked, but it was not a cure. I held on to one pair or shorts, a favorite pair I bought at a consignment store last summer (perfect length, and already worn-in softness). I kept hoping the button would easily come together as I remembered, but guess what? It still doesn't.
Today I'm using this platform to help myself sort out the frustration I feel, so please excuse the word vomit.
Feelings are tough to nail down and navigate. Is it anger? Frustration? Annoyance? Something else entirely? Probably all of the above. When I was going to counseling, my therapist would always come back to the same question: what is the feeling? Sometimes I could name it, but more often than not I couldn't because often times there doesn't seem to be the right word to describe the chaos and emotional ups and downs.
This morning I am feeling...
So the cycle continues.
Before closing out my thought, I want to touch a little on depression. I hesitate to use the word because I know the heaviness I am feeling is not clinical depression, and I know many people truly suffer from it's debilitating effects. However, I do not have a better word to describe the physical weight pressing down on my shoulders on days like this. My feet move slower on my way to work. Gravity pulls harder on my body in an attempt to drag me to the ground. All of my thoughts are clouded in the slightest gray tint.
I am still at work, and still functioning, it just takes more effort. I believe it is depression, just at a lower end of the spectrum. There has to be a better way to allow all forms of depression to coexist; I certainly do not want to take away from what others experience.
I am holding down the fort today by trying to focus on helping my patients, and remembering diving head first into chocolate is not actually a good solution. I am also giving myself time to feel angry, frustrated, annoyed, and depressed, but I am setting boundaries as well. I don't want my entire day consumed by a cloud. I would like to fall asleep a little happier.
Walking enthusiast, and kitchen experimenter currently living out my dream in Mexico City, Mexico.
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