I've recently been experiencing an extended period of low-anxiety; dare I say "normal" levels of anxiety? Well, that is until a few days ago when a series of First World problems swirled around me. I really want to highlight the intentional use of First World problems in this context. The situation I'm about to describe is minor on the grand scale of life, however, trivial does not exclude consequences. So what's this situation which in the moment turned my world upside down?
Our beloved CSA is now closed...forever!
Sometimes, rough moments drop out of the sky without warning, which often makes them feel even worse. I've been thoroughly enjoying life these past few months; dinners out with friends, relaxing Sunday mornings reading the newspaper, sitting by our neighborhood pool, and generally taking advantage of what this city offers in the summer. However, I've spent a lot of today trying to shake an underlying feeling of "blah".
As I sat around thinking about blogging topics this week, I realized it has been a while since I have checked in with my mental health. Some weeks, moments of anxiety and/or stress force me to consider my emotions, but the last few weeks have been pleasantly anxiety free. In fact, it's been two months since I wrote this post after finding myself in a not so great mood one morning. So what's the difference between then and now? Did my negative emotions simply disappear?
It's taken me a while to finish this post. I have been thinking about it for weeks, but have struggled to translate my experience into words. I don't want this to sound like a lecture or research paper, and I certainly don't want to sound too preachy. I think I know what writers block feels like now; maybe I need an editor.
So where should I even begin? I think I may just have to start with my medical history because there is no way to understand how I ended up laying on a table, almost naked, with needles tapped into all sorts of places (did I mention I hate needles?) without it.
If you are reading this, we are now close friends because only my close friends know this much about my inner workings.
A few weeks ago I wrote about my (at the time) bold move to donate a large pile of clothing that no longer fit for various reasons. I felt empowered after deciding to rid my closet of my body shaming demons; holding on to pants no longer working for my body encouraged negative thinking. In many ways my boldness worked, but it was not a cure. I held on to one pair or shorts, a favorite pair I bought at a consignment store last summer (perfect length, and already worn-in softness). I kept hoping the button would easily come together as I remembered, but guess what? It still doesn't.
Does this happen to anyone else, or is it just me? My alarm dragged me out of bed at 6:00 this morning, my normal weekday wake up time. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary at first. I never feel excited to see that time on my phone, but can you blame me? With my eyes half-open I fumbled through my routine; shower, turn on coffee maker, hair, make up, etc. I require a little extra time in the morning than most people because I enjoy 20-30 minutes of mindless news watching or internet scrolling while I let the caffeine flow through my veins. When I feel awake enough to safely handle kitchen appliances I whip together breakfast before getting dressed and heading out the door. This morning, however, as I sat down to eat my veggie and egg scramble, I experienced a sudden assault of anger bubble up...for no reason.
Some people love winter, and I understand why. Fresh falling snow creates picturesque moments, and curling up on the couch with a good book or a nap sounds perfect, but I am just not a winter loving person. Don't get me wrong, I love experiencing all four seasons. I may have my moments in winter, but I also don't have a desire to live in summer year-round. However, the fact still remains that winter brings along its own set of challenges which play directly into my existing anxieties.
Walking enthusiast, kitchen experimenter, sports lover (watching, not playing), and future world traveler.
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